I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
