Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
