Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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