So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
