I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
