she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
