the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
