you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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