i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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