I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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