i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
im on a boat
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