if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
