I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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