how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
