what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
