Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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