Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
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That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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