I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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