After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
