Plan B is the new Plan A
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
