I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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