Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
