I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
