Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
