Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
