Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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