i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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