dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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