so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
