I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
