Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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