Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
