Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
People in love make me want to vomit
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
