Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
