Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Who died my cat blue again?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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