She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
