you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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