I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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