I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize