Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
