I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
