Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
