I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
