Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
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You pole danced in your parka.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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