I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
