WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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