Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
