I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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