loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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