I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
