If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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