i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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