just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
