Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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