i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
its liver damage thursday
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
