I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
